One fact about depressed people, we usually don’t have many or any hobbies or interests. Just getting out of bed and completing the basic chores to sustain life can be overwhelming and exhausting, if not impossible. There is no desire to get together with friends or take on any other activities. If a moment of clarity and energy does come, we must force ourselves to use it to wash the pile of dishes that has been building up for days or weeks and scrub the toilet before it grows legs and walks out on its own.
What then if the cloud lifts for a period that extends beyond the time it takes us to recover our houses, shop for groceries and, for women, to shave our legs for the first time in months? We don’t know what to do with ourselves. I, during these times, often become absorbed in and even obsessed with various activities or buying sprees of a particular item, but when my fascination soon wanes, I crawl back under my covers never to return to those same interests. I remember Webkins with shame–so much time, energy and mostly dollars down the drain. My most recent obsession, Teavana, I am over it for months now. I’ll never drink all the tea I purchased or use all the teapots and accessories. So much time and money I waste on following temporary impulses when my head decides to feel clear for awhile.
Today, I struggle and ask myself, “What if my current medication trial becomes a long-term success?” I don’t know what to do with a clear head or even how to recognize it and manage it for an extended period of time. I certainly cannot afford a series of obsessions and impulse buying. I want to know for the long haul who I am and what I like to do in my spare time.
Except for a few dishes in the sink, my house is essentially clean, and I have four hours before I must get ready for work. My normal routine would be to sleep the entire morning away, but I’m not tired. I don’t feel particularly happy, but I don’t feel sad either. Is this how normal people feel. I’m awake and I just don’t know what to do about it!